Saturday, March 19, 2016

Refocused.


 
Livy loo's favorite is the Bee Nuts shake and any of the grain free muffins! Always helps when you are not feeling up to snuff.

 
Funny face dinner pose. Acorn squash, red lentil and coconut milk soup, wild rice medley and fresh wild cod. 
 
 
Fresh cod...Fish is my favorite (and easy) thing to cook for our family!


Had these carrots in fridge so I cooked them up with a little olive oil and drizzled honey over them - I refuse to throw food away!

Homemade Bone Broth. Yes please.

Monday's cooking extravaganza - soups, cauliflower mash, brown rice stir fry...I think we are onto something here to cook regularly as a community. 
Salad with an over easy egg on top outside on the patio on a sunny day. No restaurant around can match that.
 
Death & Co. in the city. The most perfect bar crafting cocktails with more attention and care than you can imagine. Seating room only. 
  
Asparagus soup to kick off the Spring. So easy and tasty.



It has been a challenging couple of months and various scenarios have forced me to refocus and reconnect with my identity. But yesterday was pivotal - I swallowed my ego. It did not go down easily and smoothly but rather, I had to work at it and fight every moment.

Since I started CrossFit in 2008 there has been an element of competition involved - sectionals, regionals as an individual and as a team. CrossFit and competition with myself are synonymous. This past year when my back went out it brought all of that to a halt. No longer was it a choice to not be competitive but rather a necessity. It took months, but I have fought back from a state where I couldn't do more than walk. I have been so grateful to participate in CrossFit workouts and be healthy. Enter the Open. Enter the Ego.

I started the Open with the understanding that I had no expectations but rather acceptance that I would not be able to do all of the workouts and not be competitive. However, after surprising myself with a great performance in week 1, the temptation set in and my ego was fed. After 3 weeks of the Open I was enjoying being in the mix and started to lose sight of how far I had come since my injury last fall. I was getting greedy.

155# for a deadlift was a weight that I repped through in Diane without question. It was a moderate load. However, as of Thursday I had not lifted more than 115# off the ground in almost a year. Logic would tell me that this was not wise nor responsible. The ego told me that I could give it a try. You see, the ego loves to manipulate "identity" - it ties performance, achievements and success to what defines us.

27 reps.




I felt it. That split second where it feels like the wind got knocked out of me and a volt of electricity just surged into my back and down my leg. It was in that moment I got brought back to being unable to move, get up, lay down and walk. All of the pain flashed through my mind in that one rep where I felt that zing. I panicked.


That was it.


I put the bar down and walked away. Standing out in the lobby of the gym I heard everyone yelling and cheering for each other and I was mad at myself. I was frustrated. I was sad. For about 5 minutes I did what I've done for years - I was confused in thinking this workout meant something more than it did. I doubted myself and who I was because of a 13 minute exercise endeavor. I realized that this is what I do: I wrap up my identity in workouts, achievements, numbers on a scale.

In the same way the ego of workouts and numbers trapped my thinking, it was the same experience with the macros. This does not mean CrossFit or the Macros are wrong, bad or problematic. It simply means I had to refocus and create awareness around the temptation of the ego that creeps into those endeavors. The observable, measurable and repeatable mantra that we hold dear needs to be within reason and not become a prison.

Last week I deleted the My Fitness pal app from my phone. It was a huge relief. I have revisited enjoying food and feeding my body for health in the same way the past few months of CrossFit have been about enjoying participation and fitness. My identity is not a position on the leaderboard nor is it the success of hitting macro numbers every day.

This reminder will be a daily one for me. The realignment of values and focus seeps into everything in my day and a sense of freedom to focus on what is important and meaningful versus the peripheral. Each of us has a different definition of what those values and critical elements are, the reminder is to hold those things high and not let the rest define us.

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